Iced Coffee Advertising: Freshly Brewed Review

I awake every weekday morning so I can be at my first store/account by 8 AM. I live approximately 30 minutes from the majority of said places, and I’m a man of moderate vanity, so waking up early is the only real option. Sure, I could skip the normal primping, but why would I want to deny the world of this?

What do you MEAN "booze ain't food"?!

What do you MEAN "booze ain't food"?!

Besides the cameo from Murderface from “Metalocalypse,” you have to understand that some of us need a little boost to get going in the morn. And what better to imbibe than Jameson?

Wait. Something a little more sensible before getting behind the wheel.

I got it! Coffee! We all like coffee, right? Who doesn’t enjoy a big cup of bitter, hot liquid to guzzle after waking up? A magic ambrosia that causes your urine to smell like Honey Smacks cereal.

Now with 59% more caffeinated piss in each spoonful!

Okay, so not everyone likes coffee (or my analogies), but there’s clearly a market for it: Starbucks, Arabica, and Caribou have popped up all over. Even Dunkin’ Donuts has turned its marketing focus towards coffee instead of the subhealthy donuts. Though some enjoy tea for its additional benefits, coffee’s ease of brewization and access makes it the popular choice for an chemical reaction pep talk.

But these places are expensive as balls; I mean ruby-encrusted, gold-dipped balls. If you’re running late and need something that tastes decent, you’re going to pay a bit more than necessary for both deliciousness and effect. Ah, but wait! What if we had an inexpensive and no-muss way to enjoy coffee in the morning with all the taste and liquid vigor we desire?

Now we have it! Introducing International Delight Iced Coffee! Just see how well it’s advertised and then judge if it’s worth the purchase!

Oh. Hmm. Well, uh….Um.

Okay, so I’ve seen this commercial way on TV way too many times. To be fair, one time is far above the limit for this ad. The latter half is sensible: our product is delicious and convenient, so buy it!

But the former half? It’s such a convoluted attempt to sell you the product. Those commercials that don’t even mention the product until the end after a completely irrelevant spiel? Yeah, those still make more sense than this one. That awful KIA commercial with the hamsters? I’d rather watch…no, no I wouldn’t. But that same idea applies here: what’s the point of the product you’re pushing? Get to it!

Put a neon green box on wheels, and I'm sold!

As an ad, it’s not only more unrealistic than busty women and parties popping out of nowhere when you bring in a six-pack of cheap beer, but this one actually turns me off for three reasons:

1. Motion-sensing doors are never that insensitive, physically or emotionally. This commercial portrays doors are heartless machines built to ruin your day. Take pity on these poor creatures of convenience, for they deserve not our scorn.

2. “The coffeehouse claims another victim” implies…well, that this happens to many people. If this has happened to you or anyone you know, I hope you seek the help you need. Not for your victimization, but because you got outfoxed by an automatic door.

3. Yet another overdose of “fail” as a noun. That’s just a personal pet peeve. Had they described it as an “epic fail,” I would’ve bit through my tongue. Hey, I understand you’re being cool and edgy when you use phrases like that, but realize you break my heart every single time you do so. Of course, some of you will now do it just to see me in pain. I know who you are.

But what of the product itself? Maybe it’s actually quite tasty. Sadly, I didn’t buy the product. Why? Because the advertisement didn’t compel me to run to the nearest grocery store and shell out the ducats. Weird how that works.

Instead, I clicked the first review I found on Google. And, according to Marvo at The Impulsive Buy, it’s not too shabby. You get 64oz. of ID Iced Coffee for $4.99 compared to, what, $3.50 as the price of a 20oz. Venti Iced Coffee at Starbucks? Plus, you have it right there in your fridge instead of making sure you have time to stop at a coffeehouse on the way to work. Convenience and taste at the cost of awful marketing.

Let’s get mathematically directional and sum it up! …Get it?

Message: 1 out of an extremely high number. Why not focus on the coffee’s taste versus your competitors’? Perhaps, instead of showing a time lapse of the wait in line moving relatively quickly, you could’ve portrayed a generic coffee place as having a tedious and extensive wait until you got your cup of joe. When you were a child, did a door bully you? Was the man behind the marketing this guy?

Production Value: B-. At least the picture is as clear and crisp as the message is senseless.

Taste: On a scale of “Awful” to “Wonderful,” I give it an “I have no idea.” I don’t. As stated, I’m taking one other person’s opinion. I do enjoy iced coffee, but I haven’t had this. I probably won’t. Not going to go purchase it strictly because of the commercial. No, my own mini-protest won’t do a thing to get their ad people on the right track, but it will save me $4.99 and the thought that I contributed to that budget.

Instead of forcing more aneurysms via awful advertising, here’s a compilation of future International Delight ad execs.

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Beer Pong: Chuggin’ and Reviewin’

Drinking games: nothing better than having obligations to chug a certain amount because of some stipulation. Are you playing “Asshole”? If so, hope you enjoy being constantly told to drink! “Kings” or “Queens”? If you’re a fan of inane rules and immense imbibing, then this card game is for you. “Flip Cup”? Might as well drink before having to do something coordinated.

But I’m here to mull over the granddaddy of all competitive drunkfests: Beer Pong. For those who have never attended college, never watched any recent movies involving fraternities, or thought ping pong balls without paddles is a bastardization of table tennis, let me explain how the game works: take ball, throw in cup, make guy drink. The end!

They throw up so fast!

C'mon, even these poorly-supervised kids know what it is!

There are a few more intricate rules depending on where you play. Some people play with 6 cups per, while it’s common to use 10. There may be a “death cup,” a way to instantly win a game by getting both your and your teammates’ pong balls into the same cup before your opponent can drink. Blowing the ball out of the cup, bounces counting for double cup, blah blah blah. RULES ARE FOR SQUARES. DRINK.

In essence, it’s an intriguing concept; if you win, you remain at the table and face new challengers. But, the longer you play, the more you’ve likely imbibed. The fact that there’s a natural handicap within the game is something you won’t see in many competitions. You don’t see the Yankees’ players having to switch to the opposite side of the plate just because they have a great record. Did Ken Jennings have to headbutt a wall several times before the following episode of “Jeopardy!” during his lucrative streak?

And for those who claim to get better when more wasted, I both agree and disagree. I feel like I perform better when slightly buzzed, but my play tapers off plenty when I get significantly sloshed.

Actually, let’s be fair: I’m terrible at beer pong. Let me show you an example of my turns:

Yes, I threw that ball away.

Exaggeration or actuality? You decide!

One of the main criticisms about the game is that it is stereotypically brotastic. The game was popularized through fraternities, so many people may think those that partake in Beer Pong (or Beirut if you prefer) are pigheaded, slovenly, misogynistic, and desiring of a steady diet of high-fives. I documented a game just to see if this were true…

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Popped Collars: the source of a bro's power.

Beer pong does seem like an inherently disgusting game. The ping pong ball goes through various states of grossitude: touched by several players’ hands, landed on the floor, kicked around, and possibly stuck in kitty litter. THEN it lands in your drink, and you’re supposed to chug that?! I’d like to order one stomach pump, and make it speedy!

Ah, but not so fast! Alongside the solo cups filled with cheap beer comes the magical, mystical, and miraculous invention that is…the water cup!

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“But wait,” you say. “What about as the game goes along, and you lushes forget to refill your source of pristine balls?” Well, besides the fact that the phrase “pristine balls” makes me giggle, you are spot on. This is what happens as the night progresses:

"Shlurk" or "Glllll" would've also fit.

Lazy photo-editing AND accurate depictions! I provide it all!

Lazy photo-editing AND accurate depictions! I provide it all!

Have I turned you off from ever playing this game again? Well, let’s see if I can finish the job with a sum-up!

Funosity: 94/100. This rating implies a win-win for participants who actually drink. You can either beat your opponent, or you can get drunk at a speedy pace! A 3/100 for you Mormons out there.

Purity: F-. There is nothing pure about this game. Physically, the ball is the harbinger of disease. Socially, could you really call forced drinking “good, clean fun?” I could if I wanted to be a fibface.

Expense: Little out of Much. The game’s relatively cheap. Solo cups and pong balls are easily attained and for minimal scratch. You want to avoid buying nice beer for this game as the point is to drink quickly and in large amounts. Have a nice side beer, but go with the swill for the contest. We always went with Keystone Light (as it is yellow water), but whatever lack-of-taste is up to you.

So play! Don’t worry about others judging you because you’re reverting back to collegiate activities for a bit of fun. There are plenty of other things that make you look like a douche!

Hmm......mmH?!

Ah, douchiness at its classiest.