Beer Pong: Chuggin’ and Reviewin’

Drinking games: nothing better than having obligations to chug a certain amount because of some stipulation. Are you playing “Asshole”? If so, hope you enjoy being constantly told to drink! “Kings” or “Queens”? If you’re a fan of inane rules and immense imbibing, then this card game is for you. “Flip Cup”? Might as well drink before having to do something coordinated.

But I’m here to mull over the granddaddy of all competitive drunkfests: Beer Pong. For those who have never attended college, never watched any recent movies involving fraternities, or thought ping pong balls without paddles is a bastardization of table tennis, let me explain how the game works: take ball, throw in cup, make guy drink. The end!

They throw up so fast!

C'mon, even these poorly-supervised kids know what it is!

There are a few more intricate rules depending on where you play. Some people play with 6 cups per, while it’s common to use 10. There may be a “death cup,” a way to instantly win a game by getting both your and your teammates’ pong balls into the same cup before your opponent can drink. Blowing the ball out of the cup, bounces counting for double cup, blah blah blah. RULES ARE FOR SQUARES. DRINK.

In essence, it’s an intriguing concept; if you win, you remain at the table and face new challengers. But, the longer you play, the more you’ve likely imbibed. The fact that there’s a natural handicap within the game is something you won’t see in many competitions. You don’t see the Yankees’ players having to switch to the opposite side of the plate just because they have a great record. Did Ken Jennings have to headbutt a wall several times before the following episode of “Jeopardy!” during his lucrative streak?

And for those who claim to get better when more wasted, I both agree and disagree. I feel like I perform better when slightly buzzed, but my play tapers off plenty when I get significantly sloshed.

Actually, let’s be fair: I’m terrible at beer pong. Let me show you an example of my turns:

Yes, I threw that ball away.

Exaggeration or actuality? You decide!

One of the main criticisms about the game is that it is stereotypically brotastic. The game was popularized through fraternities, so many people may think those that partake in Beer Pong (or Beirut if you prefer) are pigheaded, slovenly, misogynistic, and desiring of a steady diet of high-fives. I documented a game just to see if this were true…

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Popped Collars: the source of a bro's power.

Beer pong does seem like an inherently disgusting game. The ping pong ball goes through various states of grossitude: touched by several players’ hands, landed on the floor, kicked around, and possibly stuck in kitty litter. THEN it lands in your drink, and you’re supposed to chug that?! I’d like to order one stomach pump, and make it speedy!

Ah, but not so fast! Alongside the solo cups filled with cheap beer comes the magical, mystical, and miraculous invention that is…the water cup!

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“But wait,” you say. “What about as the game goes along, and you lushes forget to refill your source of pristine balls?” Well, besides the fact that the phrase “pristine balls” makes me giggle, you are spot on. This is what happens as the night progresses:

"Shlurk" or "Glllll" would've also fit.

Lazy photo-editing AND accurate depictions! I provide it all!

Lazy photo-editing AND accurate depictions! I provide it all!

Have I turned you off from ever playing this game again? Well, let’s see if I can finish the job with a sum-up!

Funosity: 94/100. This rating implies a win-win for participants who actually drink. You can either beat your opponent, or you can get drunk at a speedy pace! A 3/100 for you Mormons out there.

Purity: F-. There is nothing pure about this game. Physically, the ball is the harbinger of disease. Socially, could you really call forced drinking “good, clean fun?” I could if I wanted to be a fibface.

Expense: Little out of Much. The game’s relatively cheap. Solo cups and pong balls are easily attained and for minimal scratch. You want to avoid buying nice beer for this game as the point is to drink quickly and in large amounts. Have a nice side beer, but go with the swill for the contest. We always went with Keystone Light (as it is yellow water), but whatever lack-of-taste is up to you.

So play! Don’t worry about others judging you because you’re reverting back to collegiate activities for a bit of fun. There are plenty of other things that make you look like a douche!

Hmm......mmH?!

Ah, douchiness at its classiest.

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