Iced Coffee Advertising: Freshly Brewed Review

I awake every weekday morning so I can be at my first store/account by 8 AM. I live approximately 30 minutes from the majority of said places, and I’m a man of moderate vanity, so waking up early is the only real option. Sure, I could skip the normal primping, but why would I want to deny the world of this?

What do you MEAN "booze ain't food"?!

What do you MEAN "booze ain't food"?!

Besides the cameo from Murderface from “Metalocalypse,” you have to understand that some of us need a little boost to get going in the morn. And what better to imbibe than Jameson?

Wait. Something a little more sensible before getting behind the wheel.

I got it! Coffee! We all like coffee, right? Who doesn’t enjoy a big cup of bitter, hot liquid to guzzle after waking up? A magic ambrosia that causes your urine to smell like Honey Smacks cereal.

Now with 59% more caffeinated piss in each spoonful!

Okay, so not everyone likes coffee (or my analogies), but there’s clearly a market for it: Starbucks, Arabica, and Caribou have popped up all over. Even Dunkin’ Donuts has turned its marketing focus towards coffee instead of the subhealthy donuts. Though some enjoy tea for its additional benefits, coffee’s ease of brewization and access makes it the popular choice for an chemical reaction pep talk.

But these places are expensive as balls; I mean ruby-encrusted, gold-dipped balls. If you’re running late and need something that tastes decent, you’re going to pay a bit more than necessary for both deliciousness and effect. Ah, but wait! What if we had an inexpensive and no-muss way to enjoy coffee in the morning with all the taste and liquid vigor we desire?

Now we have it! Introducing International Delight Iced Coffee! Just see how well it’s advertised and then judge if it’s worth the purchase!

Oh. Hmm. Well, uh….Um.

Okay, so I’ve seen this commercial way on TV way too many times. To be fair, one time is far above the limit for this ad. The latter half is sensible: our product is delicious and convenient, so buy it!

But the former half? It’s such a convoluted attempt to sell you the product. Those commercials that don’t even mention the product until the end after a completely irrelevant spiel? Yeah, those still make more sense than this one. That awful KIA commercial with the hamsters? I’d rather watch…no, no I wouldn’t. But that same idea applies here: what’s the point of the product you’re pushing? Get to it!

Put a neon green box on wheels, and I'm sold!

As an ad, it’s not only more unrealistic than busty women and parties popping out of nowhere when you bring in a six-pack of cheap beer, but this one actually turns me off for three reasons:

1. Motion-sensing doors are never that insensitive, physically or emotionally. This commercial portrays doors are heartless machines built to ruin your day. Take pity on these poor creatures of convenience, for they deserve not our scorn.

2. “The coffeehouse claims another victim” implies…well, that this happens to many people. If this has happened to you or anyone you know, I hope you seek the help you need. Not for your victimization, but because you got outfoxed by an automatic door.

3. Yet another overdose of “fail” as a noun. That’s just a personal pet peeve. Had they described it as an “epic fail,” I would’ve bit through my tongue. Hey, I understand you’re being cool and edgy when you use phrases like that, but realize you break my heart every single time you do so. Of course, some of you will now do it just to see me in pain. I know who you are.

But what of the product itself? Maybe it’s actually quite tasty. Sadly, I didn’t buy the product. Why? Because the advertisement didn’t compel me to run to the nearest grocery store and shell out the ducats. Weird how that works.

Instead, I clicked the first review I found on Google. And, according to Marvo at The Impulsive Buy, it’s not too shabby. You get 64oz. of ID Iced Coffee for $4.99 compared to, what, $3.50 as the price of a 20oz. Venti Iced Coffee at Starbucks? Plus, you have it right there in your fridge instead of making sure you have time to stop at a coffeehouse on the way to work. Convenience and taste at the cost of awful marketing.

Let’s get mathematically directional and sum it up! …Get it?

Message: 1 out of an extremely high number. Why not focus on the coffee’s taste versus your competitors’? Perhaps, instead of showing a time lapse of the wait in line moving relatively quickly, you could’ve portrayed a generic coffee place as having a tedious and extensive wait until you got your cup of joe. When you were a child, did a door bully you? Was the man behind the marketing this guy?

Production Value: B-. At least the picture is as clear and crisp as the message is senseless.

Taste: On a scale of “Awful” to “Wonderful,” I give it an “I have no idea.” I don’t. As stated, I’m taking one other person’s opinion. I do enjoy iced coffee, but I haven’t had this. I probably won’t. Not going to go purchase it strictly because of the commercial. No, my own mini-protest won’t do a thing to get their ad people on the right track, but it will save me $4.99 and the thought that I contributed to that budget.

Instead of forcing more aneurysms via awful advertising, here’s a compilation of future International Delight ad execs.